If I take myself back to my high school years, I can vividly remember aggressively arguing with most people that didn’t share the same opinion as I did. Not only did I argue with them, I would say anything, whether true or not, to ensure that I would prove that I was ‘right’. Being right to me was far more important than finding the right answer. Not even my stutter could hold me back! Well, not for long anyway… 

By no means have I mastered the ability to thoughtfully disagree, however, I recognised this was a character floor of mine pretty early on in the piece, especially when people would catch me out, something I am now grateful for. I have no doubt that this was an ego-fuelled endeavour, where I thought I could earn my peers’ respect by ‘outsmarting’ them. Boy, I could not have been more wrong. 

The process of learning to thoughtfully disagree is a relatively simple one, yet one that requires a dramatic shift in intention, especially for people like me who are perhaps a little more stubborn or outspoken than the usual. The process is this;

Change your intention from wanting to be right to wanting to find the right answer. 

This sounds relatively simple, yet it is something that I rarely see anyone act out on a regular basis. How often have you, or have you witnessed other people, doubled-down when a mistake has been made or if someone has said/got something wrong? Very few people can put their egos aside immediately, especially when it is their name or reputation on the line. 

When you find yourself in a heated discussion with someone, do you find yourself making statements or asking questions? When you make statements, you are assuming that you understand entirely the other person’s perspective and it quite often comes across in an arrogant and condescending manner. Take the following statement, which could be extracted from any number of arguments. ‘I know what I said and it didn’t come across that way’. The individual has completely closed the door on the other party, and if they continue to double down on their perception of the altercation, it’s unlikely to be resolved any time soon. What if this statement was changed to; ‘Can you please explain how I could have changed what I said so that it was better understood?’ See how changing the approach from making a statement to asking a genuine question changes the game? By shifting your intention from wanting to be right to wanting to understand why you might have been wrong or, at the least, misunderstood, enables you to connect with people on another level. 

One particular principle that Ray Dalio promotes is the idea of triangulating when you have a disagreement with somebody or if you are seeking the answer to something you do not know. Once you get over the fact that you do not and can not know everything, you can begin to look elsewhere to find the answers you seek. By triangulating, you ideally go to three other people or more who are educated/experienced in the area(s) you are seeking answers and ask for their opinion. Be careful not to push your ideal answer onto them. Let them pick apart all of your bias’ and truly seek the right answer from them, not the answer you were hoping for. When you are also aware of your bias’, flaws and insecurities and you utilise the principal of triangulating specifically in these areas, this is when I believe you can grow and develop immensely.

The ultimate art of thoughtful disagreement comes from the ability to listen more than you project your opinion. Instead of always trying to prove you are right, look to prove yourself wrong. Try and truly understand the other party’s perspective, dig deeper into their thoughts, ask them to show you how they are right. Look at being proved wrong as a positive. It is an opportunity to shift your way of thinking to a higher level, to grasp something you couldn’t before and ultimately become a more well-rounded and better person. 

To end, I’d like to leave you to think about a phrase turned by Paul Saffo; ‘Strong opinions, weakly held.’ I think it is important to still have strong opinions and not be afraid to voice them. But, before you have the right to strongly voice them, I believe it is important to stress test your opinions with people around you who are curious and educated. Always be willing to listen and pivot if necessary, but don’t believe everything you hear. Aggressively question and seek proof in opinions held both by yourself and others. Know where your bias’ lay, seek the right answer and be open, just not so open that your brain falls out.

I recommend anyone who finds this article interesting to go and take a close look at Ray Dalio’s work, specifically his book Principles. By no means do I pretend to have curated the concepts discussed above, but I enjoy talking about them in a way that is hopefully relevant to other people and at the very least share his way of thinking with as many people as possible.

Please leave your comments and thoughts below! Thanks for your time, much love.