I remember walking into one of my first uni tutes at Swinburne in Hawthorn, not really knowing anyone, yet still being excited about what Uni life had to offer; many-a-beer at the hawker (Hawthorn hotel), more freedom, sleep-ins, great coffee, a few skipped classes, the list goes on. As I found myself sitting down in a room full of strangers, I quickly realised this wasn’t what I was used to. At school, I knew pretty much everyone and seldom had to think about introducing myself or getting to know people. Life was comfortable and very familiar. Boy did that begin to change.

As the tutor started to explain the course outline, he decided it would be a great time for everyone in the class to get up and introduce themselves, explaining where they were from, why they chose engineering, and to me, the scariest question of all, our name. Instantly, my heart starts pounding, my hands are sweaty, my stomach feels like it’s in my throat, I’m restless in my seat and frantically looking for the exit. Can I make an excuse to leave early? Can I just say use another name (I have actually done this, whilst travelling solo)? But no, not this time.

As all of these thoughts are racing through my head, it finally comes to me and it’s my turn to introduce myself. I stand up, begin to say; ‘Hi, my name is J-j-j-j-j’, and after what feels like an absolute eternity, and 21,000 J’s, I get it out. ‘My name is Jackson‘.

At this moment, it’s like all time stops. It’s as if every single person has their eyes and attention fixed on me and only me. No one laughs or pokes fun, but my internal experience of this is far worse than what anyone could ever say. I feel shame, I feel frustrated and I feel angry, angry at myself for not being able to say my own fucking name!

For the next few years, this wave of emotions was ever-present. I would literally have hundreds of conversations in my own head before meeting someone, before I knew I had to introduce myself. This was honestly one of the only things that ever really affected me regarding my stutter, everything else I knew I could get around, although still a tiring exercise. The way that my brain, and I’m sure many other brains of people who have a stutter are wired, is to constantly be 5-10 words ahead of what we are trying to say. We know the sounds, words and phrases we often get stuck on, so when we are trying to hide our stutter, so we work every minute of the day to get around these sounds. So, literally, every time I open my mouth, I’m not only thinking of what I need to say, but, how to say it, what words I can replace it with, techniques I’ve learned as well as anxiety calming strategies, all in the one sentence. Trust me, often I say things that make zero sense as I’ve changed 6 out of the 14 words that all end up being terrible replacements. To say that speaking is tiring is an understatement for people who stutter.

I wanted to express some of the thoughts I internalise a lot with my speech for a few reasons. One, it feels really good to express my thoughts in a creative way such as this. I often journal, but this format adds an extra layer of relief. Two, I know how powerful it was for me to hear the thoughts of other people who stuttered. It normalised it for me and was extremely liberating. So, on the off chance that someone reads this who has a stutter or at least can relate in some way, this is largely for you. And three, I hope that my talking about my struggles allows someone else to express themselves in a similar way.

But, of course, I would not be writing this post if there weren’t a silver lining. I can honestly say, with 100% honesty, that I would not change my experience as a person who stutters for anything. The values, resilience and humility it has taught me are simply irreplaceable. Not to mention the beautiful people I have been fortunate enough to meet through SAY Australia, only recently.

As a person who stutters, I have learned to never, ever judge someone from the outset. You have no idea what battle that person is having or what they have gone through to show up. This has helped me build relationships with people that may otherwise get disregarded by other people. I have always been drawn to people who are sometimes a little more strange, let’s call it unique. Whether it be on a night out, in a classroom, work, it doesn’t matter – I’ll do my very best to give anyone the time of day.

I have also become a much better listener because of my situation, something that has helped me in both my personal and professional life. Because speaking is largely a challenge, I choose to predominately speak when I have something valuable to say, which has forced me to often take the backseat in conversations and let the other person(s) take the lead. This usually results in actually letting people articulate their point of view, rather than interjecting every 10 words and going off on a tangent or pushing my point of view (although sometimes I can still be guilty of this).

Side note: Do you know how many thousands of jokes I’ve had perfectly lined up and then either struggled to get them out or retreated due to a difficult word in the punch line… I promise you, I would be hilarious if I could just get my timing right!

For so long, I looked at my stutter as something that differentiates me from everyone else. I saw this as a negative thing, for so, so long. Why couldn’t I just speak with ease in a world full of fluency? Imagine the things that I could achieve if I could just speak fluently? But, I now see this as something that does differentiate me and that it is something to be proud of, and, the only person that was limiting my potential was myself.

One of the pivotal moments that changed the way I viewed my stutter was the below video shared on Garyvee’s social media platforms. Gary is talking to a young real estate agent who has Tourette syndrome and has struggled with trying to accept it. Rather than try and paraphrase GaryVee, the Master, I’m going to put a few lines below that highlight his message; I do suggest you give the video a watch though.

“[Realise] the thing you’re worried about is your fucking strength”

“Don’t overthink your uniqueness and don’t underestimate it, it is what it is.”

“If you can’t hide it, own it, put it on a pedestal.”

“There are little boys and girls right now that have the same thing as you do, and they need you”

“Most people work their whole life to have something unique, you were gifted it. Stop thinking it’s bad, it’s fucking good”

When I started to switch my own perception of my stutter (something I am still in the process of), it was(is) a truly liberating experience. Gary was right, there are so many people in this world that are trying to be unique, that is trying to separate themselves from the rest of the world, so why try and hide the one thing that absolutely makes me unique? Don’t get me wrong, there are still going to be plenty of people in the fast-paced, materialistic world that won’t give me, and other people who stutter, the time of day. But, why the fuck would I want them in my life anyway? My stutter gives me the power to see through other people’s bull shit straight away. Do you know what is 10X more powerful than any negative experience I have ever had?

When someone is moved by my ability to be resilient in the face of stuttering. When someone comes up to me and says, ‘you should be really proud of yourself for not letting this control your life.’

When I am told that by me wrestling and overcoming my most obvious ‘flaw’, in plain sight for everyone to see, gives other people the power and the confidence to do the same. This is what keeps me moving forward.

Do I still have shitty days where I wish it wasn’t the case? Absolutely. But I know that this journey is so much bigger than my own daily struggles. And, in the grand scheme of things, my situation could be so, so much worse. Not only is my stutter relatively mild, but I have been blessed with so many other traits and opportunities that I have to remind myself not to take for granted.

For those people out there that are struggling and fighting with something that differentiates them from everyone else, whether it be physical, personality, character, psychological or any other trait. Ask yourself, what has this experience taught me? How has it humbled me? How DOES it differentiate me from everyone else? You can decide to shift your perspective of your ‘flaw’, you just need to own it. And trust me, as I write this last paragraph, I am largely writing it to myself, as I constantly need to remind myself of this fact, but I know how powerful this can be.

Thank you for taking the time to hear my story. Please reach out if there is anything you feel like sharing, and, as always, your feedback is much appreciated.

Much love!