This article in particular is mainly for me to look back on in years to come. For me, I know that this night was extremely powerful, both personally and in a broader sense.

For those who want to stick around, this little post will give you an insight into my mind in the months and weeks leading up to the event, as well as on the night. I’ll aim to summarise the events on the night as best I can, so that you can get a general gist of how the evening ran. But, for the most part, my aim is to address my emotions and my own personal experience of the evening, as there are parts that took me by surprise. And thus, I felt the urge to write about it.

On Saturday, October 1st, 2022, Rich Stephens, President of SAY: AU, and I hosted a film fundraiser night at Lido cinemas in Hawthorn where we showed the multi-award-winning documentary, My Beautiful Stutter.

Rich Stephens, SAY: AU President (Left), and myself (right)

By and large, the night was a huge success. Over 100 people attended and we raised over $16,500 for SAY: AU. Our message was extremely well received and it was an opportunity for close family, friends, and colleagues to gain an insight into the everyday struggles of living with a stutter.

I want to wind back the clock a few months from when this idea first came to fruition. It was back in February ’22 when I first saw the film I was to later show at Lido, and boy did it change my life. It’s hard to put into words how pivotal it was for me, but in simple terms, this film gave me a voice I was proud to share.

The people in this story were going through everything I had been through and was still experiencing to this day. They articulated things that I had deeply felt, yet I had struggled to share or open up to anyone, including myself. Up until this film came along, I hadn’t really given myself permission to properly feel the pain and struggle I had experienced for so much of my life. There is no doubt that my grit-the-teeth attitude had helped me manage my fear of speaking, but underneath this was still a boy who was ashamed of his stutter. This film was the beginning of the end for me.

After watching the film, I remember sharing it with a few close people in my life whom I really wanted to see it, and the feedback I got was surreal. It was the first time that they really understood what it was like to walk in my shoes and it sparked conversations that I was once too afraid or ashamed to have. That was when I knew I had to share the film with as many people as I could.

Once the idea was planted, there was absolutely no stopping it. By early April, I had a location, date, and a general gist of how the night would run. For the most part, I was absolutely pumped. As a construction project engineer, my job is largely about planning for the future and executing when the time comes. Although this event was a little left of field, I found I used many of the skills I use in work to pull the night together, yet this didn’t feel like work at all.

There was only one little hurdle that I knew I would have to overcome. My fear of public speaking. Not only would I have to speak in front of a large crowd, I would have to be authentically vulnerable, and that was scary as all hell. Fortunately, since watching the film and being involved with SAY, the idea of getting up in front of a crowd was definitely less daunting. However, it was still going to take all of my courage.

For me, there were two main fears I had about public speaking. The first one was obvious for a person who stutters. The idea of getting up in front of a large crowd and struggling through the words, with all eyes on me, was terrifying. Before 2022, my stutter was something I hid, but it’s pretty fucking hard to hide in front of 100 people when they are paying attention to every syllable I would sound. Fortunately, this shame was rapidly fading, so it was time to face the other fear. Freezing.

I knew it was a real possibility that I could get up on that stage and everything I had planned to say could escape my mind. As a person who stutters, this reality is also a little closer. When we get stuck on a word, especially for a long time, it can take over our whole being. I have had blocks where it feels as though time comes to a standstill. Whilst I try and force the words out of my uncooperative mouth, my whole body can go into a heightened state of feeling trapped. My chest comes up to my throat, my hands squeeze into themselves as if fighting for my life, my face can experience fierce contortions that I forget to even breathe. Then, once the word has finally escaped me, I have to pull myself back into reality and continue with what I’m trying to say. There have been times when I have been swept up in trying to get a word out that I completely lose my train of thought, so the idea of this experience bearing witness in front of 100 people is a daunting one, to say the least.

The only way I knew how to quieten these fears was to put in an absurd amount of work. I knew that I spoke best when it was something I knew a lot about or had practiced a lot. So, that’s exactly what I did. By July, I had written the structure of my speech and was practicing most days. I would practice in the car on the way to work, before I went to bed and really at any time I could. Because my mind was so occupied by the event, I was constantly thinking about delivering the speech, which gave me a reminder to practice more and more. I knew I always had the option of talking in front of a lectern with a scripted speech, but I wanted it to be more natural than that, I wanted it to come from the heart.

In August, I decided to attend a Toastmasters meeting in Hawthorn, where I hoped I would have the opportunity to practice my speech before the night. However, I was a little naive to think I could just walk into an organisation and practice a speech at a time that suited me. Turns out the Toastmasters groups are meticulously organised. They ran 2-3 events per month and people sometimes prepare and plan months in advance to give a speech in front of the group. I had only given myself about 5 sessions, 3 of which were all booked out for the annual Toastmasters speech contests. Nonetheless, I attended one of the sessions and just took a back seat. Even in the space of 2 hours, I learned a lot and took some knowledge home with me that was of value. That was my first and last visit before the film night, but I’ll be back.

Over the next few weeks, I continued to practice my speech as often as I could. Although I was definitely feeling more confident, there was still an overwhelming sense of fear for me to get up there and speak. I found myself putting a huge amount of pressure on myself to perform on the night and it was taking away from the excitement of hosting the night. After going back and forth about how I would deliver the speech, I asked Rich if we could do the talk in a conversational setting. I had seen this style at a fundraiser event I’d attended earlier in the year and the hosts managed to deliver it in a powerful, yet natural manner. At least that’s what I convinced myself. The truth was, I was still extremely fearful of getting up there on my own. For all of the reasons I mentioned above, it just wasn’t something I felt I was ready for. As always, Rich supported me in the only way he knows how: with absolute love, patience, and understanding. Honestly, I don’t know if I could have done it without him. I know for a fact the night wouldn’t have been as well received without his knowledge, presence and authenticity. 

In the week leading up to the event, I managed to keep my cool. Anytime I felt I was putting too much pressure on myself or worrying about my speech, I tried to remember why I was doing this. Yes, this night was an opportunity for me to share my story, but more importantly, it was an opportunity to raise awareness and funds for an incredible organisation. We had raised over $12,000 before the event started, so I knew no matter what, the night had already been a success. What I was really greatful for was the work I had put into my speech beforehand. In the days leading up to the night, I didn’t check my notes or practice once. I trusted the work I had done and gave myself a little breathing room, rather than cram everything into the last few days. If only I was this wise when I studied…

On the day of the show, Rich and I arrived at Lido cinemas at 3pm to give ourselves enough time to set everything up and do one last run-through in the cinema. We had been there a few times before, but we were keen to do a test run with the microphones and check all of our updated slides. Of course, nothing like a good old spanner in the works to keep us on our toes. When we were briefed by the Lido manager on our rundown, Rich and I both looked at each other as if to say, wtf? The timeslot we had for foyer hire was incorrect, there was no record of us requesting food and drink for each attendant, the cinema was not going to be available before our show and they had no idea we were organising our own catering. Awesome.

Luckily, we had an email to the event manager, a third party organisation, outlining everything we had requested and their approval back to us. In fairness to Lido, as soon as they realised they had messed up and had the correct information, almost everything was agreed to and reorganised within an hour or so. Rich and I managed to keep a pretty level head through all of this. Rich is somewhat of a seasoned veteran when it comes to these events and a large part of my job is putting out fires on a daily basis, so this didn’t rattle us too much.

Before we knew it, 5:30 pm rolled around and guests started flooding in. If I had my time again, I would have made sure Rich and I weren’t responsible for greeting guests as they arrived. Not only were my nerves starting to rise, but I had to manage an entry list, wristbands for our VIP guest and do my best to introduce guests to one another. I would have loved to have been a little more present and appreciative of everyone who had taken the time to come and support us, instead, I felt that I was a little preoccupied trying to manage guests as they entered, as well as manage my nerves.

There was a moment 30 minutes before we were scheduled to make our way into the theatre when I nearly let my emotions and fear get the better of me. Up until this point, throughout the entire week and for the majority of the day, I had been putting on a cool, calm and collected attitude and I had almost convinced myself of such attitude. Almost.

I remember standing by the entranceway into the foyer, still meeting and greeting guests, when I started giving a little bit more attention than necessary to what I was about to do. As a person who stutters, one of our biggest fears is public speaking, and I was about to address over 100 people at an event that I had organised. What surprised me was that I was not actually afraid of people seeing me stutter, I was afraid of underperforming. I had put so much expectation on myself to deliver and inspire the audience that I nearly got swept away in the fear of failure.

What if I got up there and completely froze. What if everyone who had come tonight was expecting me to deliver my speech saw me get up there and utterly fail. I had set such ridiculously high expectations on myself that, in my mind, there was such a long way to fall. Fortunately, this moment was fleeting. This is where my mindfulness meditation practice really came to the test. I know what some of you are thinking (kudos to you if you got this far); here we go, another woke wanker talking about the power of sitting still. Let me tell you, I’ve never been so greatful for my practice than this moment. It’s precisely in these moments when you start getting swept away with fear and other emotions, that the power of coming back to the present is so, so powerful. By this point, my heart was pounding in my chest, I had a sickness in my stomach, I felt my ears burning and my palms were dripping with sweat. I could have so easily been swept away in this moment and into a full-blown panic attack, but I remembered my practice. I stopped fighting these feelings and focused on my breath and felt into the sensations, rather than trying to avoid them. Don’t get me wrong, there were still times where my mind started to race and catastrophise again, but I knew the more I resisted the harder this would get.

For me, this was one of my proudest moments. Not one single person in the room knew what I was experiencing and I had let similar sensations get the better of me in the past. Not this time. Once I got through this, I knew everything was going to be okay. That exact moment of feeling overwhelmed was what I had feared the most, but I overcame it despite it being such a high-pressure, high-stakes situation.

Rich opened up the night whilst I awkwardly sat off to the side, waiting for my turn to get up. Hearing Rich’s voice was super soothing, and as soon as he started telling his story, I remembered why we were there in the first place. I was still nervous, but I could feel the love in the room and I knew I had all the support in the world from my friends and family.

The feeling when I got up there and started speaking was like nothing I had ever experienced. I think I stumbled through my first sentence, but as far as I remember, I quickly found my feet. I had rehearsed this probably a hundred times, and now I was on autopilot. It was as if at that moment, I was making no choices, having no secondary thoughts and so absolutely in that moment that I felt as though I was witnessing it secondhand. I don’t know if the words that I write can do this moment any justice, whether that be my inability to craftily turn a phrase or just the power of the moment. Perhaps a bit of both. What is strange is how little I can remember of what I said. I can intensely remember the way I felt, but it was as if the words coming out of my mouth were autonomic. Now, there is every chance that this is a combination of nervousness and adrenaline, but it is a feeling that was most definitely foreign to me.

Rich and I spoke for what I later found out to be 25 minutes, a little longer than we had planned, but from all accounts, it was extremely well received. We were imperfect, but we were authentic, and that’s all anyone in the room could possibly ask for. Looking back, and knowing what I had rehearsed, there are things that I wish I had shared or spoken about in more detail, but I know I need to give myself some slack.

Before we knew it, we were sitting back down in our seats and the film had started. To be honest, this was the first moment of the whole night where I felt relaxed. It was at this moment that I knew I had done it. I had overcome one of my greatest fears and I could now enjoy the night. I turned to my partner, Adair, who gave me a beautifully warm smile that told me she was proud of me. I was proud too. Now, we could all sit back and watch the film that inspired this entire evening.

The film itself was extremely well-received. For many people, this was the first time they had heard other people talk about battling with their stutter and I’m sure it brought it home for many. It was funny; when the movie came to an end, I was sure all everyone was thinking about was getting out of the cinema and enjoying the food and drinks we had waiting in the foyer. I could almost taste the flakey pastry on the homemade sausage rolls myself. Not to mention a nice ale on tap… but, I was wrong. The Q&A ended up being one of the most moving and educational moments of the entire evening. By this point, I had completely relaxed and had dropped all expectations on myself. I felt as though I could answer everything with absolute clarity and honesty. The film did this to everyone. It’s so raw, authentic, and emotional that everyone let their guard down and just poured their heart out. Some of the questions were so thoughtful and insightful that we ended up having a 10-minute conversation with multiple members of the audience.

What surprised me was how the film resonated with different people in the audience. The film is most definitely about stuttering, and the trials and tribulations that come with having a stutter, but it’s also so much more. By Rich and I showing our most vulnerable selves and owning our voices, coupled with the screening of this film, we gave people permission to open up about their own struggles and insecurities. This continued well on into the night and in the weeks that followed, with multiple individuals coming up to me and sharing their own stories. In my eyes, there’s no more profound power than this.

Well, I think it best we wrap this one up. If nothing else, I know I’m going to look back on this night as one of the most pivotal moments in my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I believe I could conquer my fear of public speaking at a scale like this and actually pull it off.

Was I nervous? Absolutely. Did I stutter a lot? Most definitely. Of course both of these things happened. Yet for some reason, this is exactly what I feared for so much of my life. The thought of getting up there and having the whole audience witness me struggle to say the words I wanted to say seemed like torture. For both them and me. What changed? I stopped hiding. Opening up to my wider community about my struggles gave me the permission to be my authentic self. Stutter and all. Now, does the idea of getting up there and talking in front of a group of people still scare the shit out of me? Yes! But, this is only the beginning and I know I still have a long road ahead of me. A path I know I’m going to enjoy.

For those that stuck around for this long-winded tale. Thank you and big love. As always, your comments and feedback are much appreciated.